No · More · Pepsi

I want to go home. I want something familiar. I want people who know me. Who wave at me because they recognise me for who I am. I miss the mountains. I miss the blue house. I miss my family, and thier insane way of dealing with eachother. I feel restless. I want to see people and things that mean something to me. I am not brave. God I miss things I'm not allowed to miss. I love Adam, With all my heart I love him. I am torn.

I was wondering when you were gonna come and ask me. You have been agonizing over things on your own for ages, leaving me here waiting to be typed up. You know I can help. You know I have answers. Yet you insist on debating the problems over and over inside that brain that doesn’t like to work correctly. Your brain is just a number cruncher, you ask a question, it spits out an answer. Quit asking those questions. They lead you in a downward spiral into a pit of despair and you can’t afford to go down that path again! Too much is at stake. Taran relies on you to keep his world afloat. Your family needs your quiet acceptance and unconditional love and forgiveness. You haven’t failed, ever. You have survived. You don’t have to just survive anymore. You can thrive and heal, yourself and others. You can. Just turn off the brain. Use it for what it is meant for, do not let it take control. Be your own best friend. Find the light. Close your eyes and find it, it isn’t hard, It never left you. Take a deep breath. Hold it for a few seconds and let it go slowly. There you go. You can take it from here.

Yeah so I talk to myself. So I found a way to connect with my subconscious through writing. I type what I feel more than words really. Just let it flow from my finger tips onto the key board. I used to do this with a pen and paper. But typing is more legible. Actually I would like to improve my handwriting. Learn to take the time to write correctly and legibly. Learn to breath and take life one small letter at a time, working it as it deserves to be worked. Not worrying about the rest of the sentence until I get to it. I haven’t done this kind of writing in a long time.

A Actual event- I can’t sleep

B My Beliefs- I am scarred, I am broken, I have to sleep in order to be normal.

C Consequences – Anxiety and Depression spiral in increasing tighter circles.

D Disproving – I’m not scarred, I am fine, I am just not sleepy yet. A few nights sleeplessness is normal in life.

Not everything that goes wrong in my life has to be about my past. And when things aren’t going perfect I tend to blame my past instead of looking for more present causes.

A I’m depressed

B I’m unworthy, I need to change myself, I must not let anyone know.

C I have anxiety and more depression

D Depression is also normal in life. It is a treatable condition. I just have to exercise eat right and give myself a huge break.

My mother used to call me a martyr when I played the ‘Poor me’ card. She may not have been very tactful or careful in this declaration, but she was right. I have been hurt, abused, neglected, abandoned, and molested. But I’m not anymore. I continue to allow that past to affect my current state of mind and quality of life. I am pointing at the causes instead of finding my own solutions.

As of here and now, That past can no longer affect my present, I send it away, I box it up and I label it “History” Something to be a part of me, remembered, learned from, and used to never make those same mistakes. I am no longer controlled by it.

Growing, five or six yrs ago I decided that a person is born with everything they need to survive and thrive and succeed in this world. The only things a human baby needs is love, food, shelter, and warmth. So I lived as if that was all I needed in life. And it has halped me open my mind and heart to many new and amazing ideas in life. But I found something I was born with that I diddn’t list above.

Faith. Faith that I deserve to exist. Faith that someone else thinks that I deserve to exist. At first that faith was in my parents to feed clothe and love me. And they did. As best they could. Then I expanded to my siblings. They were the first to give me cause to wonder if I indeed deserved to live, but over all I accept that they mostly reaffirmed that faith. The world however, devastates that faith. So I must find a higher power within, without. For me those are the same. If someone can find the faith that they deserve to exist without looking to a higher power, then I am happy for them. For me, I had to find a higher power much earlier in life than most ever seek it. Though it began within myself before I ever sought it without me. A seed of knowing, a seed planted when my tiny body was violated and I thought I was gonna die. And a voice took me and held me and told me not to worry. I just can’t accept that my tiny brain was developed enough to tell me the things I heard, felt and saw. So if it was just a coping mechanism, then it was. But for me it was an interference of a spiritual being protecting me and giving me strength to endure.

When I'm sick, a little boost from Pepsi is really needed. The sign of a true addict, I NEED it! Yes. I need the cold dark liquid soothing my sore throat with familiar energy boost to help me finish the laundry. So I cut my son's hair today, and now I'm exhausted. I can't even get off the bed to go unload the dishwasher or clean up the crayons on the kitchen table. I am lucky my Taran is pretty much self-sufficient with his toys and coloring and such. I only really have to move to feed him and check on him.

Is it time for me to acknowledge, and by acknowledge I mean further define, my spirtualality. I keep saying that I'm a seeker, that I haven't learned it all yet. But really I have been more stagnate than seeking. I have not denounced faith completely, but is it time to step up and account for what I feel to be true? Can I find healing in faith? I'm afraid. I'm afraid of becoming the pseudo-believers that pointed fingers and condemned me and my family because we were different. I know that I don't ever have to belong to any particular religion. But the hardest thing for me has been trying to get around a deep seeded knowledge of Jesus Christ. I haven't ever really declared against him, I have only stated that I"m not sure, That he would let me know when the time came. I suppose I just answered my own question. I'm not strong enough to make that declaration tonight. Though I have missed the easy relationship I used to think I had with him. Whatever he really is. I need the strength I know he has to lend me. I need the comfort I know he wants to give me. I need the knowledge that I matter to the universe and he has that knowledge. I have had odd experiences in my life. I don't think I will ever be able to completely denounce that early knowledge that Jesus loves me. And that that meaning is significant.

Yes today it has been three weeks since my last drink of Pepsi! It has been a weird three weeks. Today I have cold.
(loosly quoted) "It's not gonna get better till you see what the problem is, and the problem is you'er screwed up heart and mind.; not the gods or fate or the universe, You!"
I'm just tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of being snowed under by doubt and fear. I'm sick today. I haven't been fighting lately actually. I have been hiding. The only time I feel remotely alive is when Adam touches me. We layed in bed yesterday afternoon and evening watching Battlestar Galactica. We took Taran on a walk so he could ride his new bike a little. Maybe I just don't know how normal is supposed to feel. Maybe I've lived in crisis so long that a day without adrenaline seems not right. How to define success? How to be content? How to feel okay in my own skin. Is there a happy medium I'm missing? between terror and ecstasy? Have become an adrenaline junkie? I gave up Pepsi 3 weeks ago! again I'm mostly afaid of repeating my mistakes again. My restless anxiety in love drove me near crazy in my marriage, I don't want that to happen this time. I am screwed up. I look out at the world wondering if God has ever looked through my eyes, felt my heart, heard my thoughts. Either the universe can't interfere, or it won't. I have searched and found many truths, nothing that calms my spirit in this broken body, governed by this broken mind. I have to heal myself, I have to find the harmony inside. I am the problem.

I think I can safely stop counting days after 21. Takes 21 days to break or make a habit. I heard that somewhere, I will see. Easter Weekend! Without Pepsi. See back in Utah mom would have a big Easter dinner, Usually with Ham or Roast cause she knows some of us don't eat ham, maybe even a turkey. Mashed potatoes, Yams, Homemade rolls, Carrots, Potato Salad, Pretty much anything she can think of. And we would either combine tables to crate a large enough table to sit all of us, or spread out tables to the couches and such so we could all eat in the same room. My older sister sometimes brings an art project for all of us to do, Last Thanksgiving we all made Pilgrim and Indian hats, Mom got to be the Buffalo ;) Oh and with the dinner, there would be REQUIRED Pepsi for Beqi! Yes I'm not the only one who would drink it, but I was always the first to crack open the 2 liter. The four little kids would be on their own little table mom keeps for them. My little guy would be so consumed with telling jokes and such, he probably wouldn't eat very much. Though I think our 8 year old is getting tired of the kids table. He's ready to move up I think. This is the dinner arrangement at my mom's house. Loud. Chaotic, always with some movie playing in the back ground. then the quiet would last about five minutes while we all ate the lovely food. Though Easter is different, cause after dinner, the egghunt would begin, We have had a family easter egghunt for at least the last five yrs. i can't even remember how it got started. But the kids would make out like bandits, as they always do at Grandma Marsha's house. Candy, Toys, even money. As long as I had my Pepsi, I was happy.

This year I'm a little sad. A little depressed. I'm in a beautiful paradise, and I'm still having issues, I'm not too worried. It is just a short isolation period while I mourn so many things, I will grow and move on soon I think. Then my Good fortune in love and happiness will be mine.

I can't sleep. It is yet again a night my adam must be on duty all night. I am trying hard to be brave. But I can't help jumping at every noise and every change in the house. Night time is so hard for me to be brave. Logically, I know I am safe, secure, and should just go to sleep. Emotionally I turn into a paranoid wreck that jumps at everything. No one can hurt me here. I am as safe as I can make myself. But a scared little girl that learned to hate sleeping alone takes over some nights and i can't calm her down. Mostly I'm afraid someone will hurt my son while I sleep. Someone hurt me while my mother slept. It restricts my ability to relax or sleep. FOr my own sense of peace, I could have him sleep in the same room with me; but I don't want to cause separation anxiety in him that I know is irrational in me. He is good in his own room, in fact I think he likes to have his own space and likes to put hiself to sleep without me being right there all the time. He deserves to grow up with that sense of self control and safety.

Just because I know the reason behind the fear, doesn't mean I have conquered it. And because I have now attached my motherly instincts to this fear, I think it has grown even more irrational.

When he is living at his dad's house, I can sleep usually. I can let go enough to function normally. Why am I scared of my inability to keep him safe? He is the most awesome kid ever. I love to see him grow. I love that he is still in love with his momma.

God I must relax myself. I have the tools, I just don't use them. I am the Warrior I can be in control of my emotions. To let them wash over me, through me, and stand ready to move on without letting them slow me down.

I passed the two week mark yesterday. I am well on my way to a Pepsi free existance. though with my PMS creeping up on me, it will only get harder. I used Pepsi usually for my morning and midday meals, though Not intentionally. And I would more than make up for lack of food by grazing from the time I got home until I fell asleep late at night. I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I know that too. and with not being acitive. I do like to run and walk. I just have a hard time finding a place or time for it regularly. But really it boils down to me making it a priority. I should get some in home aerobics system. Ad taking arun isn't as easy ar throwing on my running shoes adn going when I have my 5 yr old home alone if I go. there is a fitness channel on my cable line up, perhaps I could check out an areobics routine to see if It will help me. I need to get in shape. My back hurts most days for a few hours after I wake up. and even standing too lang makes it ache. My C-section belly has no mucle stregth. I have to work on it to help my back.

"Beqi, How do you deal with days like this?" She asked when I wasn't convinced she was ok. I dealt with them horribly. I would shut out my family. My firends and take on the burdens of my pain without shareing or letting anyone help me.
I diddn't tell her that though. I stuttered and hugged her and told her she would find a way.

all day I pondered how to help my friend in her pain and fear. I wrote down Ideas to talk with her about. I failed her. I hesitated and decided to wait until the next day to approch her. It was too late.
I wanted to tell her that Pain like hers and mine, the kind of pain that consumes and burns everyother though out of your head, is not to be borne silently or alone. The causes are so alien to most people that we don't think they will understand or know how to help, but Pain is pain. Everyone has pain. Can understand what pain is. And hiding and bearing this overwhalming life threatning pain alone is undermining our family and friend opporotunity to carry it with us. to lessen our burdens. To do things to help us to heal. Or just to get by onemore day.

I didn't get to tell her that. My own fear of inadequecy held me back from having that be our last conversation, instead of my stammered half stuttered assurance that she would be ok. She had enough, Childhood pain, abuse, facing cancer. Enough. But I still feel like I failed her.

Anxiety, Has there ever been a time in my life when it did not rip through my body to freeze my brain and shorten my breath. When I am running regularly my lungs get stretched to capacity and I breath much deeper slower healthy breaths. When I shut myself away and make excuses for not running, or even walking. That is when I have the worst anxiety. I think that Pepsi became a source of keeping my body at the poised to action anxiety I grew up in, It must have been exhausting, no wonder I turned to a stimulant so entirely to keep me awake and aware and poised on panic.

My sweet Adam. I can't imagine this is how he envisioned our life together would start. I'm so consumed with grief still. And that makes me anxious because I know I'm not behaving normally. He must be disappointed. It is harder than I ever expected losing a friend I had daily interaction with. Like a support wall is suddenly gone in my structure and I'm tipping and falling in places I thought I had conquered. I am caving so much right now. Closing off to the world. Even to my Adam unfortunately. It just wasn't time! She wasn't supposed to go! She Is still alive!! I want to scream. But I saw her still body and squeezed her cold hand and tried to say goodbye.

Grief is a house needing cleaning. Every inch of it is distorted by the filth with in it. Dusting, and polishing, and scrubbing until every bit of it is exposed. Only to find the door opens to an entirely bigger room in need of the same treatment. The more time goes by. The harder it gets to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed. She and I shared many battle stories of our childhoods. We were very alike in many ways. I have been sleeping poorly the past few nights. I must give myself permission to mourn. Permission to also explore and enjoy my life. Tara is gone. I am still alive, I must live. Find a lust for living again. I feel a hint of that lust when Adam carries me to higher planes of ecstasy. I lay in his arms giggling and sighing until I sleep, or until the anxiety returns and I begin to shut down again. I wanted Tara to come visit me in Hawaii. TO take her to the beach and relax for days. To heal. I will have to continue my healing without her.

I have got to not cry in front of my son. I know it scares him. He tries to cheer me up, and my emotions are NOT his reponsibility. He is such an amazing kid. He trusts me and is so easy going about wherever I may take us that day. whether a day inside playing video games. or a long walk to take pictures. I am very honored to be his mom. I need to protect him from my grief.

God I want a Pepsi right now!!!

Numbers with one in them seem to be significant in my life. I was born on Sept 1. Maybe that is when it all started. My birthday is always overlooked. Most people remember about half way through September. But I'm an adult now so birthdays aren't important, Yeah that is what we tell ourselves because even if we get remembered they still mean we are further from the best yrs of our lives. The years when nothing could harm us. When we knew everything there was to know. The years when the opposite sex becomes attractive and elusive at the exact same time! That seemed to happen for me around 11 yrs old.

Today My son and I went for a walk with the digital camera. We found some lovely trees, flowers, and lizards. We even found a talking tree, it talked as the wind blew through it. It creaked actually, but we called it 'The Talking Tree' anyway.

http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/kazetaran/album?.dir=/a505

So no Pepsi is getting pretty routine now. Though I still desire it all the time. I think the trick is to drink something sweet to conquer that craving. I have chosen raspberry crystal light. Also drinking plenty of water during the day keeps me from feeling thirsty! I hope it works.

I have been dreaming of my deceased friend.

In my first dream I was looking for her in a dream only to be woken by a black cat putting it's paws on my eyes. In my dream I said. 'Oh she is a cat now" What ever that meant.


In this newest dream I am walking forlorn around the most amazing fair. It isn't a regualar fair. People come here to learn to meditate and heal the soul. I wasn't participateing. One of the teacher reached out of his tent and pulled me in saying "I think you need your lesson violently." I immeadieately went ninja on him and he ended up on the floor. he solomnly looked up at me saying "The one you seek is not here." I suddenly was back in Utah, near my mother's diveway. a voice carried to me on the wind. It was my friend. She was in her garden on the side of her home adjacent to my home. I looked over and saw her face. I was so relieved she was alive I ran over to see her and when I got there, she was gone, Her sister was there very pregnant.

I hate waking up to remember the last times I actually saw her. Her body so red and purple the night she died. then so serene and restful at the funeral.

"the one you seek is not here" just echos through my brain this morning

TOday is tuesday. I haven't had pepsi on over a week. That is really cool.

the night before last, I couldn't sleep. SO I stayed up all night watching tv and making bead buterflies. I'm not sure what to do with these little colorfull bugs. I think I will try to attatch them to some flip flops or sandles. They are too heavy for earrings. But damn cute!! I tried to make one into a necklace, but I don't like how it looks on. SO I fianally unpacked my beads and made a huge mess with them.
It was also a night that Adam had to sleep on the boat. I miss him when he is gone. And I also get anxiety attks occasionally. This is still a new place to me. and I'm not used to all the sounds.

Yesterday was a fantastic sunny day. My son played all day out in the back yard. He came inside pretty muddy. What a boy!!! Adam got home about an hour after the power was cut, I still don't know what caused the outage, but it was back on before we went to bed anyway. We got to light my sexy scented candles that Adam had sent me for Valentines day. It was very nice.

I had a dream about having a dream last night. In my dream I was thinking about Tara and trying to remember her smile and being very forlorn about it all. Then I woke up because a black cat had rested its fron paws on my face. I woke up in my dream realizing that Tara was now a cat....LOL I don't thin reincarnation works that fast, but then when I really woke up in my bedroom early in the dark hours of the morning I had a hard time sepereating that I dreamed I was dreaming or that I was still dreaming. It was odd. Then I dreamed something about Adam telling me I used too much of his digital camera.....I'm not sure if that was a conversation we had the night before or not. GAH! My brain gets so cluttered sometimes!!!

Today is April 2, 2006.
Started warm and sunny. My son and I set off on an adventure to ride The Bus to wherever it took us. We didn't get far. We missed the first bus before we even got to the stop. and while waiting for the net one, my son decided he had to go to the potty. We had been out ther alomost an hour, so we decided to try our adventure another day. On the walk home , about 3/4 a mile, we discovered a closer stop to our house...that was good.
we got a lot of sun anyway, after the last week of rain, it was very nice to be out in the warm sun feeling the relaxing rays in my skin, I just wished we had made it to the beach to relax and explore. I hope we get another nice sunny day soon.

Six days now, Six pepsi free days, I did have rootbeer at the movies yesterday. I could have just had water I suppose, Oh Well.

I kind of crashed last night. Had a breakdown. I'm better today.
We decided to try to tackle a whole list of things to do on Adam's day off.
1-buy a couch
2-get a few rugs, our floors are all laminate
3-find a computer desk
4-get a card table for a make do kitchen table so Taran doesn't have to eat off his step stool
5-Go see Ice Age 2.

I can't believe we finished the whole list!!!! I only started whining for a pepsi the last two hours. I still have such an emotional atachment to it, who knows how long it will be before my instant reaction to life anxiety isn't drinking a cold sweet pepsi. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, I'm only 30....;) Taran did great all day. Being dragged around from store to store. In fact I'm pretty sure he came out of the day much better than I did.
Adam and I fould a really nice smaller sectional couch. I'm still dazed that we actually bought something new and pretty. I have been living with hand me downs and garage sale finds most my life. It is thrilling and a little intimidating. When we set up the table in the kitchen Taran and I sat down and he looked across the table and said "Now I need a baby sister, Or a brother" Adam said he was game to start trying. I said maybe someday later on. I'm not healthy enough to be pregnant right now. And I know Adam was just teasing me, He wants me to be healthy too. We both want to wait till we get married.
The movie was great. Taran hasn't been to too many theaters yet. and he loved this movie. He diddn't get bored. He was captivated the whole time.

Yes I still yearn for the cold dark sweet bubbly, but I want to be healthy too. One step at a time I guess. Today was also the first sunny day in a week! I loved it!!!

I am still a caffeine free girl! Adam will be home later today, YAY!
SO the history of my Pepsi Obssesion.
I was 8 when I threw my first "I want a Pepsi" fit. It has been a regular part of my life from then on. I had all the big soda refillable mugs. and some places would refill for a quarter over the summer months. When my older sister got her licence, we would do Pepsi Runs two or three times a day. I was around 12 when we started this. By the time I was 16 I had friends refusing to take me to the convienince store for my own health. I had developed severe "pepsi Pains" and was extremely stressed out. I was a teenager consuming 2 or 3 32oz mugs of Pepsi a day. I was out of control. This persisted until I was 19. I stopped drinking all soda entirely for two yrs. I never felt better, I was active and healthy. Then I got married.... Well the depression set in around that same time and I ended up putting my brain on hold for ten yrs. SO I started drinking Pepsi again. Not as much as when I was younger, but everyday still. Until last summer, I stopped all soda again all sumer long. I started running I was doing really well. But something happened in the end of July and I started drinking Pepsi again. So when I ran out of my last 12 pack on Monday...I decided to not buy any more. I was already dealing with the withdrawl headaches I figured I'd just get through them and then be done with Pepsi again for a while.

I am 30. 31 this September. It is a good time to gain control again! start runing again. Running has become my anti-depressant. It just makes me feel good!!

I want to order a pizza with some Pepsi!!! GAH!!!! Can I really be as low willed as this. two and a half days into it I'm ready to quit. No I am stronger than this. I wonder if they have any chocolate pizza? Hmm....

My third day caffeine free. my head didn't hurt when I woke up this morning. But I still have a case of the crankies. Adam is on duty till tomorrow night. It isn't so bad being a part for 36 hours, but I do miss him. At least now we aren't just doing phone tag or online chatting, we actually get to snuggle and laugh together all we want. My son got his own breakfast this morning. he did a pretty good job, just a slight milk spill. My back is killing me. I really need to get into shape!
I want to take some pics to email back home.

I love bing here with my Adam. I just haven't been a stay at home mom for almost three years, so I have a hard time finding ways to fill my daily hours. My son hardly needs my constant hovering anymore. I suppose I could unpack and work on beads. We really need to get more furniture.

We are gonna take Taran to see Ice Age 2 when Adam gets home tomorrow. Taran is gonna love it. How many dozens of times have we seen the first Ice age. And My mom is sending Taran's copy to us in the mail soon.
I don't miss Utah. I miss the people. I even miss the people who just drive by and wave at me everyday. I really miss Tara. I expect to see her welcoming smile when I wake from the dream of reality someday. I worry for her sons, I worry for her Josh.

I don't feel like that is even my home any longer I don't feel like this is home yet though. Taran asked me if we were almost done in Hawaii, he is ready to move back to grandma's house. He wasn't crying or being mad, just stating that he is ready to go. I told him we are staying here for a very long time. That he was gonna go to school soon. make friends and have a good life here. That he would only be going away when his dad came to get him for a visit. He wasn't sure what to think of all that.